Like most American women, I’ve seen my share of “chick flicks,” which tend to be high on improbably beautiful people and drama, and barely tethered to reality . This column will represent The Anti-Girlfriend’s take on familiar tropes from romantic comedies and all chick flicks in general.

Romantic fiction. This would never happen on that first night. (Photo by Mistas.Boos via CC)

I’m not very used to sharing a bed with another human. For company at night, I much prefer a pair of Ugly Dolls and a body pillow. (The latter is because I’m decrepit beyond my years.) So when a new guy stays over for the night (or if my place is too messy to open to the public and we stay at his), I am usually so antsy and unable to relax next to this unfamiliar warmblooded presence in my bed.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a good night sleep next to a guy the first couple of times out. Perhaps it’s the result of the orgasm — unlike a man, our engines are revved up afterwards and the last thing we’re in the mood for is snoozing — or maybe it’s because I’m a fitful sleeper even on the best of nights. Whatever the cause, I lie still and stare at the ceiling, unable to even toss and turn as I ordinarily would under normal, solo circumstances out of fear of waking him and having him think I’m a spaz. I probably get no more than an hour or two of sleep on that first night.

I don’t think I’m alone in this regard yet when I watch romantic comedies or other films of that ilk (so-called “girlie”), this first night together issue is rarely ever addressed. All of the ladies seem to fall asleep easily despite the newness of the guy and the proximity (in time) of the orgasm. They all just drift off and awake to find the guy gone the next day or in the kitchen making breakfast, depending on the type of movie it is, and whether or not the man is the bad boy that the leading lady is inadvisedly attracted to or the good guy she will overlook until the very end.

For once, I would like to see the protagonist bed a great guy and spend the first night awake in his arms (and perhaps the subsequent evenings, too).

It would be one small step for anti-girlfriends, one giant leap for chick flicks.

 

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