And I thought OkCupid’s messages to the Jews were good.

These were forwarded to me by a friend who listed himself as agnostic on the dating website. Both came with the subject line, “Merry Christmas?”

Hello agnostic person,

About 2011 years ago three wise men brought news to the world of something incredible.

Well, OkCupid has a LOT more than three employees, and I’m here to tell you about something way better than some disgusting baby: your Christmas matches. We’ll be sending some more cool people your way over the holidays.

She’s agnostic, like you, and single. So, while the faithful burn yule logs and eat glue, you two could be, you know, hanging out. Send her a message. Make it happen.

“Disgusting baby”? Really OkCupid? Are you trying to bolster conservatives’ claims that there is a so-called “War on Christmas”? And I’m Jewish and therefore not so familiar with Christian traditions but I’m pretty sure that eating glue is not one of them. Or maybe Christians eat glue the way we Jews drink the blood of gentile babies. Or did they mean “huff glue”? Is Christmas a big drug holiday? And if so, why didn’t anyone tell me?

Here’s another email he received:

Hello agnostic person,

Here at OkCupid, we try to match like with like over the Holidays. Why? No idea. But since you’ve told us you’re agnostic, we thought we’d hook you up with a special like-minded someone.

She’s a great match for you, and single. So, while everyone else goes about their Christmas business, you two could be, you know, hanging out. Also, she’s reading a similiar message about you right now. Send her a message!

I can get behind this second message, which doesn’t seem to be anti-religious. It just says–hey, I am not so sure about this God thing and you aren’t either. Let’s get coffee. Same message would work for most Jews that I know.

I can’t help but wonder what sort of email the folks at OkCupid would’ve sent to the late Christopher Hitchens.

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