Now that I’ve turned 29 and my own personal Saturn has returned, I’m thinking of settling down. Nevermind that I haven’t met a guy I’ve wanted to go on a third date with in awhile. That is unimportant because my most important life events take place in my imagination or on YouTube.

Enter Kimbra’s music video for “Settle Down,” which depicts a Stepford-esque existence for the perfectly coiffed woman in modest heels, vacuuming her home, backed by ladylike dolls.

Though this video in every way depicts the future I hope for, down to the wax-like impotent Ken doll husband, there are a few small differences between what I plan to do as a married and what the Kimbra sings about. First of all, I won’t brush my hair like the protagonist–it’s a bad idea for Jews with curly hair.

There’s also the name of her future child. Kimbra sings, “Raise a child/We’ll call her Nebraska.”

Now, while I’m not opposed to children named after places, if I was to name my children after states, I would choose Virginia for the older one and West Virginia for the younger one. This way one can accuse the other of being a hillbilly who prefers incest, to which she can retort “Well, at least we didn’t secede from the Union to fight on behalf of slaveholders.” It will be an interesting and nerdy sort of sibling rivalry.

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