The Friendzone Debunked
Over at More Than Men, a blog I was just turned onto by a friend, there’s a great post called “Nomads of the Friendzone,” which is about the myths of the so-called “friendzone,” the place where many a guy complains about ending up when the woman he likes doesn’t reciprocate his affection.
But how nice are Nice Guys? Perhaps not so much after all, according to the author of the piece:
Many, if not most, dudes who complain about how Nice Guys™ always end up in the Friendzone are seething with resentment. They feel like treating a woman well entitles them to tapping that ass. They get angry because they fall for a woman who doesn’t feel the same way about them. If a woman pursues a guy after it’s clear he doesn’t feel the same way she’s mocked. If a guy does it he’s a poor, maligned Nice Guy™ who that mean bitch won’t date. Think about that double standard. Don’t participate in it and don’t perpetuate it.
Well said! The nice guys are sometimes only nice seeming, not much better than the bad boys they lament that “all of the girls really want.” With bad boys (and I’ve certainly been guilty of pursuing this type) you are at least not misled as to what they want from you even if you try to delude yourself about it. With the so-called “nice guys” you can end up with a guy who is doing and saying all the right things but if you don’t reciprocate with sexual and romantic interest, can turn viciously mean behind your back. Like the author of the post observed, they think that behaving like a nice, decent human being entitles them to a romantic and sexual relationship, which is a highly transactional way of looking at things.
Also, I’m not a big fan of people faulting others for their single status. I’ve done it myself more than once, explaining that I’m single because guys find me “intimidating,” which is actually my way of saying that men don’t want to be with me because they are put off my intelligence, outspokenness and talent, which is probably not true because these are not generally qualities that could be described as off-putting. “Nice guy” or (it’s first cousin “too nice”) or “intimidating” are ways of complimenting yourself by way of explaining why you’re single. It’s sort of like that question on job interviews when you get asked, “What’s your biggest weakness?” and you answer something like “I work too hard” or “I’m a perfectionist.” This is a way of pretending to admit a fault while actually saying something positive about yourself in a backhanded way.
I’m not advocating for men and women to beat themselves up over being single nor am I saying that there is anything wrong with you (how could I? You’re perfect!). But I would like people try to refrain from rationalizations that fault others for what really is no one’s fault–that you haven’t yet met and clicked with the right person.