Worst boyfriend ever? (Photo via CC)

I’ve spent the majority of the day today trying to put together cheap furniture I just bought from Ikea, which is a privilege the “funemployed’ earn through their forfeiture of wages and medical insurance.

Though I am something of a tomboy–athletic, rough and tumble–I am not handy at all. When I first moved into my apartment, I made a friend put together some of my furniture in exchange for a single beer. However, he was unavailable so I’ve been left to my own devices. Which means it’s just me with the little Swedish man, who would be a terrible boyfriend if he was able to leap off the instruction manual page into your to put his screws to you. (Sorry-I couldn’t resist!).

1. He is always smiling: A good boyfriend should do a better job of interpreting your mood. If you are, say, feeling frustrated because you are trying to screw two planks of wood together, it’s time for your boyfriend to show empathy, to demonstrate that he understands that you’re upset and perhaps console you. Or at the very least look like he cares enough not grin until you want to smack that toothless grin off of his face.

2. He doesn’t communicate: In a healthy relationship, a boyfriend should be able to speak about what’s on his mind, about his feelings. But Swedish Ikea does not “use his words” (as we say in the kindergarten parlance). He gestures and expects us to just get what he’s thinking. Unfortunately, Ikea doesn’t sell crystal balls to help interpret the Swedish man.

This furniture building endeavor has spurred me to keep my OkCupid profile open as I bumble my way through the manuals. Maybe tonight I’ll meet the guy who will address all of my Swedish furniture needs. Or maybe I’ll get five messages from men asking if I want to snuggle.

I’ll say this for Swedish Ikea Man–at least he doesn’t try to cuddle.

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