Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a matchmaker’s guide to turning yourself into a prop for a rich Wall Street man.

In “How to date a Wall Street man,” CNBC guest blogger and professional matchmaker, Samantha Daniels offers her tips for snagging a wealthy hedge fund manager. There are several useful guidelines to keeping the interest of one of the masters of the market. Some of them are just common sense, dating etiquette, such as learning a bit about what he does so you can pretend to be interested (just as I would expect any prospective date to pretend to be fully interested in gymnastics).  But most of it falls squarely into the “how to make yourself into his ideal woman without making him work too hard for it” camp of dating drivel.

Here are some of my favorite suggestions:

“While a Wall Street man tends to like a little bit of a challenge when it comes to dating, he still likes things to be convenient and easy for him,” Daniels writes. Yes, because his life is so much more stressful than yours so you better make yourself amenable to him. He doesn’t want to actually work for you; he just wants to give the appearance of trying. This is America–if you’re a white male of upper middle class privilege, you shouldn’t have to work harder than absolutely necessary.

She also advises women to “be sexy” Wall Street men tend to like women who are attractive and that other men notice when they walk in the room. It’s impolite to flash your portfolio at a dinner party. A hot woman, on the other hand, can be brought virtually anywhere as proof of capital, and just because his ilk’s shortsightedness and greed helped tank the economy, doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to a piece of arm candy.  And because you are only interested in his money, you must be willing to put up with all types of insensitive behavior. It’s a transaction folks–his moolah for your amenability.

Other things you will simply have to deal with is behavior that would be considered “rude” from anyone with less money, such as checking his Blackberry frequently while you guys are together; or spending a lot of money on gifts in lieu of trying to come up with a gift you’d actually like (but hey, you’re a gold digger so this works out just fine).

This part is perhaps the best bit of advice Daniels gives:

Tell stories that are short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short; don’t be insulted by this, just tell your stories in a way that he can listen. Save your long, drawn-out stories for chit-chatting with your girlfriends.

Let’s unpack this, shall we?

First there’s the fact that his mind is so busy with important stuff because his work as a Master of Capitalism is more important than anything you can possibly have to say. And then there’s the fact that you could only possibly be telling “social stories”–aka gossip about nothing consequential. Women don’t reflect on the issues or have significant jobs–they just want to talk about shoes and the Kardashians.

So the lesson is this–don’t worry if your needs aren’t being met because you don’t really have any besides gaining access to his bank account. And if you have his money, you can find a shrink who you can pay to listen to you.

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