The Anti-Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving Frankenstorm
If you’re an east coaster like myself, you’re probably battening down the hatches in anticipation of Hurricane Sandy, also known as “Frankenstorm” (Oh Internet–you’re so clever) which will begin pummeling the Northeast later today. While Mayor Bloomberg and city officials have been offering tips about how to safely ride out the storm, they’ve missed a few suggestions. Here’s a brief set of guidelines for pleasurably weathering the upcoming storm:
1. Cruise OkCupid or other online dating sites: This is a no-brainer and probably represents no deviation at all from your regular routine. But during a storm, this resource is more important than ever. People will probably be online in force seeking virtual companionship so long as their internet connections remain viable. If you notice that the number of men/women in your area is declining due to outages, switch your ZIP code to a place out of the storm’s path. This will enable to flirt at maximum levels until the power lines in your area are flooded. But beware–if your profile says something about “trying to experience all that New York City has to offer,” make sure to amend this to any generic “city.”
2. Make sure you have batteries for all of your devices: Mayor Bloomberg has urged citizens to have emergency kits complete with nonperishable foods, water, and batteries. I presume he meant batteries for things like flashlights and radios so you can listen to emergency broadcasts. But to that I’d like to add batteries for vibrators. You might be thinking–how is an orgasm the most important consideration during the midst of a natural disaster? Well, clearly you’ve never experienced extreme anxiety that can accompany standardized tests, bad traffic, and impending natural disasters. Wouldn’t you handle the stress that will accompany Frankenstorm if you can give yourself an orgasm. I only wish that I had a vibrator the night before the SATs.
3. Make sure to pack something slinky in your “go bag”:If you do find yourself in an evacuation zone and are forced to flee for higher ground, make sure that you have something sexy in your bag cause you never know who you might meet at an emergency shelter and you definitely want to be looking your best. If you do find yourself a mate, here’s a suggestion for a possible fantasy/role play scenario: pretend that the two of you are the last humans in New York and it’s your job to repopulate the greater metropolitan area. (Which reminds me–make sure to pack condoms and your birth control pills. You want this to remain solely in the realm of “fantasy.”)
But in all seriousness (yes, I’m capable of brief moments of sincerity)–stay inside and safe.