Last week, the world rejoiced when the RCC approved a kosher lube because all things that might touch your lips, regardless which pair we’re talking about, should be certified by a rabbi. The best coverage of this blessed event came from Rob Kutner at Conan, who went to truly Jewish legalistic heights to explain just how this product may be used on the Sabbath:

 

But in a tragic turn of events, the RCC has reversed its decision they figured out what the product was being used for. (Hat tip to OMGWTFBIBLE for bringing this info to light.) From the RCC’s site:

As reported in the media, the Rabbinical Council of California’s Kashrut Division was in the final stages of certifying products produced by Trigg Laboratories. Certification of non-edible items is common in the kosher industry, but the intended uses of these items as now revealed, was misunderstood. The RCC has rescinded its certification with immediate effect, and deeply regrets the widespread consternation that this error caused.

Now that kosher lube is no longer kosher, I’ve come up with five other lube substitutions that are 100 percent rabbinically approved. Jews–don’t say I never did anything for you.

1. Schmaltz: While rendered goose/chicken fat might be a bit rich for some people, it is guaranteed to keep things moist between the sheets. It’s a little bit thick and greasy for our purposes so use just a little because a little goes a long way. (For pescetarians, why don’t you try herring schmaltz?)

2. Chicken Soup: The so-called Jewish penicillin isn’t just for colds and the flu has another salutary use–for pleasure in bed. Just use the leftovers from the Friday night Sabbath dinner. Be sure to let it cool and strain it. You don’t want to bring matzo ball play into this. That’s a much more advance move and should not be attempted by amateurs.

3. Margarine: It may have fallen out of favor now that the foodies have taken over, but for Jews who’ve eaten a meat meal and can’t wait another six hours to eat a dairy meal, margarine might the substitution for you.

4. Hummus: If you’re looking to add some Middle Eastern flair to a night of erotic lovemaking, why don’t you try a chickpea-based lube? If you can’t make your own, the Sabra brands are the best but don’t get any of the fancy flavors such as spinach artichoke or garlic.

Check out some other uses for hummus:

5. Borscht: Perfect for summer sex because it can be eaten cold. Make sure to lay a towel down because it can stain your sheets and make it seem like you had sex when you were menstruating. (I mean, c’mon–we know it’s not coming from your torn hymen. You’re no virgin!)

Not all Jewish foods work well as lube. Stay away from almost all matzo based products. Those things will dry you right up.  

Now go have some kosher, not-so-clean fun–but don’t forget to say the appropriate blessing first!

 

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