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The Anti-Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving Frankenstorm

by Anti-Girlfriend on October 28, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Posted In: Blog

Part of your Frankenstorm emergency kit. (Photo via CC)

If you’re an east coaster like myself, you’re probably battening down the hatches in anticipation of Hurricane Sandy, also known as “Frankenstorm” (Oh Internet–you’re so clever) which will begin pummeling the Northeast later today. While Mayor Bloomberg and city officials have been offering tips about how to safely ride out the storm, they’ve missed a few suggestions. Here’s a brief set of guidelines for pleasurably weathering the upcoming storm:

1. Cruise OkCupid or other online dating sites: This is a no-brainer and probably represents no deviation at all from your regular routine. But during a storm, this resource is more important than ever. People will probably be online in force seeking virtual companionship so long as their internet connections remain viable. If you notice that the number of men/women in your area is declining due to outages, switch your ZIP code to a place out of the storm’s path. This will enable to flirt at maximum levels until the power lines in your area are flooded. But beware–if your profile says something about “trying to experience all that New York City has to offer,” make sure to amend this to any generic “city.”

2. Make sure you have batteries for all of your devices: Mayor Bloomberg has urged citizens to have emergency kits complete with nonperishable foods, water, and batteries. I presume he meant batteries for things like flashlights and radios so you can listen to emergency broadcasts. But to that I’d like to add batteries for vibrators. You might be thinking–how is an orgasm the most important consideration during the midst of a natural disaster? Well, clearly you’ve never experienced extreme anxiety that can accompany standardized tests,  bad traffic, and impending natural disasters. Wouldn’t you handle the stress that will accompany Frankenstorm if you can give yourself an orgasm. I only wish that I had a vibrator the night before the SATs.

3. Make sure to pack something slinky in your “go bag”:If you do find yourself in an evacuation zone and are forced to flee for higher ground, make sure that you have something sexy in your bag cause you never know who you might meet at an emergency shelter and you definitely want to be looking your best. If you do find yourself a mate, here’s a suggestion for a possible fantasy/role play scenario: pretend that the two of you are the last humans in New York and it’s your job to repopulate the greater metropolitan area. (Which reminds me–make sure to pack condoms and your birth control pills. You want this to remain solely in the realm of “fantasy.”)

But in all seriousness (yes, I’m capable of brief moments of sincerity)–stay inside and safe.

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Hand Holding: The Final Frontier

by Anti-Girlfriend on October 24, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Posted In: Blog

I was having drinks with a friend who recently began dating a new guy. I asked the usual questions–what’s his name, what does he look like, what does he do, how many dates, have you kissed, had sex, etc.? She replied that not only hadn’t they had sexed or kissed (other than a peck on the cheek), they hadn’t even held hands. My friend quickly added, ”But I would sooner have sex than hold hands,” she said. I readily agreed.

I’m not a hand holder. I wasn’t one of those pre-adolescent girls who slung an arm around her friend’s shoulder. I didn’t walk hand-in-hand with my bestie of the week. It’s hard for me to come up with an instance in which I hold hands at all in my regular life.

And so it goes in my dating life. I was recently seeing someone and he was very into holding hands. He started it after our second date I tried to go along with it because I knew it meant a lot to him and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And he once complained when I wriggled my way out of his grip while we were walking together on the bridge. (That wasn’t actually meant as a rebuff–I wanted to get closer to the rails to look at the view.)

Perhaps if I had dated as a teen, I would’ve experienced the typical escalation of physical intimacy in the normal order–sweet hand holding, to kissing, to sex. But I’ve never gone in that particular sequence. It usually goes from conversation to making out and if we’re both game, sex.

Hand holding, even though it doesn’t involve nakedness and the exchange of bodily fluids, is far more intimate than sex. And it’s often done in public, in front of other people, which means that you’re making a statement to others about the possible state of your union even if you’re not entirely sure about where you stand on the guy or the relationship.

Perhaps it’s the public element that is most worrisome to me. It takes me quite awhile to figure out my feelings about a guy (much longer than it takes for me to decide whether or not I want to sleep with him) and I am fearful of announcing a commitment to others before I’ve figured this stuff out privately. If friends were to see us in hand in hand, they might assume more than what is there and I’ll be forced to deal with their questions–and at that point, I might not have the answers ready.

 

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Leave Your Vagina At Home

by Anti-Girlfriend on October 17, 2012 at 11:31 am
Posted In: Blog

I don’t know how I didn’t know about this video before today. This is Wanda Sykes back in 2007 showing everyone how to tell a rape joke. (Daniel Tosh and frat boys of the world should take note.)

I won’t spoil any part of this with needless commentary. It more than speaks for itself.

 

Do you think Sykes took the idea for this bit from that weird song “Detachable Penis” by King Missile?

 

 

 

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Klit Killer: The Knuckle Cracker

by Anti-Girlfriend on October 2, 2012 at 9:00 am
Posted In: Blog, Dating, Dating Profiles

Photo via CC

The world is small, even in a city like New York, and even on the Internet.

As anyone who has done some online dating and cruising knows that if you search for matches nearby, you’re bound to come across someone you already know. And last night that someone was a person I encountered at a friend’s birthday party a couple of years ago that took place in a nightclub. I don’t remember his name, but I call him the Knuckle Cracker.

He was moderately attractive in a nerdy Jewish sort of way–dark hair, dark eyes, glasses–and he was single and male. (At birthday parties that take place on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, that is no mean feat.) Anyway, as the party tapered off and more people left, I f0und myself sitting next to him on a couch in the dimly lit club.

This is when you’d think he make his move. And he did, in his own weird way. Grasping my hand, he tugged on my ring finger. Hard. Till the knuckle cracked.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Cracking your knuckle,” he responded.

“Why?”

“Because I want to,” he answered. “Do you like it?”

He looked at me like he expected me to say “yes.” He reached for another finger, getting ready to give it a tug. I pulled my hand back and stood up. “What are you doing?”

I walked away and hovered near my friend for the remainder of the night until she was ready to leave her own birthday party. On my way out, I passed the “knuckle cracker” and perhaps because I hoped to help girls he would flirt with in the future, I gave him a bit of advice. “Never crack a woman’s knuckles,” I advised him.

I hope he listened to me. And if he didn’t, I hope he at least listed this predilection on his OkCupid profile.

[Here is the original blog post about this incident.]

 

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Like Two Ships Passing In The Night?

by Anti-Girlfriend on September 27, 2012 at 10:27 am
Posted In: Blog, Sex

Over the last few months, I’ve had several versions of the following conversation with female friends and acquaintances (because people I barely know tell me the darndest things). They begin by talking about a date with a guy they’ve been seeing that seemed on track for sex.

Me: And then what happened.

Friend: Nothing. We went back to my place but he was too tired to have sex.

Over and over, the point being driven home was that despite what every romantic comedy has taught us, men aren’t necessarily the ones who are more desirous of sex. We’ve been warned/educated by the media that men always want sex and that women are often withholding it from them.

But women, in my experience, are at least as libidinous if not more than some men.

As I was having some version of this conversation with a barista at my local coffee shop, I speculated that maybe it has to do with our respective ages. Both of us are in our late 20s, which for many women is when their sexual “peaks” begin. The men, however, peaked in their late teens and early 20s. Sexually speaking, men and women might be like two ships passing in the night. “Could that have something do with it?” I wondered aloud.

The barista agreed that this sounded plausible. Yes, it might boil down to the fact that men and women’s sexual peaks (and valleys) are wildly out of sync. Men’s desire to have sex is highest at the times they (and their partners) are least experienced and skilled. Women’s come at a point where they and their partners are much more capable yet not as enthusiastic as an 18-year-old boy.

My barista friend chimed in with an even more alarming thought: since many women date older than their own age, even if just by a few years, does this mean that we are destined to forever be out of step with our partners? Will we always be begging for sex? I sure hope our hypothesis is incorrect because I didn’t really date 18-year-olds when I was that age. I certainly don’t want to start now at 29.

Or might we be generalizing from far too small, self-selecting sample size–educated women in cities with liberal (or as conservatives might call us “promiscuous”) bent.

Or perhaps we’re being egomaniacal, thinking that these guys would otherwise want to sleep with us if it weren’t for nature taking their libidos down a notch. To put it into the annoying parlance of Greg “Soul Patch” Behrendt, maybe they just weren’t that into us.

Or maybe they really just were tired and had an early morning meeting.

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