Here’s a remake of Robyn’s song “Call Your Girlfriend,” about going from girlfriend to ex. Except instead of a techno beat, you’ve got three girls with lovely, wispy voices doing percussion on what appear to be empty tubs of margarine? Small ice cream containers? (I really shouldn’t write these posts when I’m hungry.)
Perhaps they should join the drum circle at Zuccotti Park.
Sing it, Anti-Girlfriend! (Photo by Scott St. John via CC)
I don’t write poetry. When asked why not, I tell people that the last time I tried to create deeply felt verse, I was a senior in high school being forced to do so by my English teacher for the school wide poetry contest. I ended up placing 3rd for a poem that sounded like it had been ripped from the pages of my diary. All angst and teenage drama. (In all fairness to my diary at the time, it also included my daily caloric intake amounts in the margins. This was the last time I was good at math.) In other words, as I often quip, my poetry sounded like “a bad Avril Lavigne song.”
This is unfair to Ms. Lavigne, especially since I listened to her songs when I was in college (!) and wished to look as good in baggy pants as she did. (You need to be really thin to make that look cute.)
And then there’s her song off her second album, “Girlfriend,” which borrows heavily from “Hey Micky” on the chorus and is very catchy.
It’s also pretty decent anthem for any aspiring anti-girlfriend.
She’s like so whatever/You can do so much better.
Not that I advocate boyfriend stealing but does anyone else miss faux punk rock Avril?
Coming to the end of vocabulary week here at The Anti-Girlfriend. For the final entry, we’ve got the compound term, girlfriend-prone:
1. A woman who, like someone klutzy, is always a hop, skip, jump and fall away from her next relationship. She is highly susceptible to becoming romantically entangled for a variety of reasons — she is compatible with most of humanity, she can’t dine alone, she is fond of regular sex. These would all make one “girlfriend-prone.”
2. A man, who like his female counterpart, finds himself attached to a girlfriend before the previous one barely faded from memory. Or to put it into the common parlance, he’s a boyfriend.
Now, an example.
Someone who’s girlfriend-prone might laugh at all of his jokes even if they aren’t funny.
(Via Shmitten Kitten)
But someone girlfriend-prone would never laugh like that!
THIS IS A LITTLE THING WE CALL "SCIENCE." LEARN IT. (Image by FEMA Fatale.)
Last week I sent out a mass email asking my friends to like The Anti-Girlfriend on Facebook cause I’m needy like that. (You like my alter ego! You really like my alter ego!) Many people (though not all — you know who you are) obliged me but one friend, a physicist, who doesn’t have a Facebook account, gave me something better than a click on my page. He wrote a scientific breakdown of the anti-girlfriend. Here’s what he sent me:
This is much smarter than anything I could ever write and now I officially have a symbol to brand into my flesh. (Sorry Mom…again.) As for what would happen if I ever found myself in a face-off with a real girlfriend, I doubt I would be annihilated. It would result in just one photon of light and one bad ass anti-girlfriend.
An anti-girlfriend starts intimidating at a young age. (Photo by Lutz-R. Frank via CC)
I’m 28 and I’ve never been in a long term relationship (at least that the other person was aware of).
Wow, that was liberating. Now I know what someone’s first visit to AA must feel like.
I’ve also never been introduced to a significant other’s parents, never gone on a romantic getaway for two. When I’ve met his buddies, I’ve been called a “friend” with a heavy emphasis on the “f” part of the word so all of his boys could mentally high five him or slap his back or ass or any of the homoerotic stuff men to do to show virility and stupidity.
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